Anguish

Webster's defines the word "anguish" as "extreme pain, distress, or anxiety". One of the synonyms is "sorrow". Ha. Webster doesn't even know.

I try not to get too personal on here. If I am upset or angered by something I normally make jokes. That is the way I deal with things. Some may see the jokes I make about things as inappropriate, but screw them; what do they know about me? I have made some pretty weird jokes and laughed about things like death, abuse, you name it. I know how that sounds, but if I didn't do that I would probably end up with a bullet in my brain. It is that simple.

But sometimes, there is nothing to cover the hurt. Nothing. It is just there. It is horrible and it will not stop.

The Tomboy is no longer engaged. I will not get into it too much, I know you don't know us and you probably couldn't care less, but I will share a bit of it, because that is what I do here.

Basically he left her a note to find when she got home. Out of the blue, she gets a fucking note. THEN he texted ME to tell ME that it was there. I had to spend all afternoon yesterday knowing what was in store for my precious child and not able to tell her. I had the misfortune of having her call me before her shift ended. I had to tell her. She became very upset at work. So today when she went in they fired her. THEY FUCKING FIRED HER FOR BEING UPSET AT WORK. What else can this low-life bastard take from her????

There is a lot of history here. They lived together; shared a home, a bed and (she thought) a future. He pulled the fucking rug out from under her in one fell swoop. In one instant he destroyed her sense of security and hope. She is broken. I hope he is fucking proud of himself.

What the hell do I do? This isn't like a ear ache or a broken bone. If you are not the parent of a grown child you CANNOT understand the personal anguish you experience when your child is devastated. I want to warn you. It is the single most difficult thing you will EVER go through with your child, besides having them die. Someone should have warned me. Damn it, I deserved that. Then I could have been prepared. I could have been ready to hurt like this. I could have been ready to cry myself to sleep; to walk around in a daze. To feel like someone has died.

My girls have had broken hearts before and it was AWFUL. But nothing compared to this. High school relationships end, and let me tell you, THOSE are horrible. But you go beyond that when you see a relationship end where your child had her heart and life invested in it. Her home, her job, her LIFE is gone. Taken away by an asshole that simply doesn't give a shit.

I will stop now. I don't know why I felt the need to share this. It doesn't make me feel any better. I just.....well I don't know. I know that this is NOT about me. It is about my beautiful, loving, giving, sensitive girl. I would cut out my own heart and give it to her to take away ONE SECOND of her pain. I would cut off my arms, anything, if it would do that. I swear I would. Someone just tell me that it will work and I will do it. Please tell me it will work.

I may not write for a few days. I can't find any reason to laugh. I have PLENTY to be angry about, but I can't speak to the one at which I want to hurl the pain, insults, threats, whatever it would take to rip out his heart and screw up his life so bad he would never get over it. THAT is what I WANT to do. But this is all I have. And I wish, oh God I wish, I was reading this on someone else's blog.


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