I Just Wanna Be Your Friend (NOT!)

I don't have many friends. I don't have any problem whatsoever admitting that because it is a choice. It isn't because I am mean, or hateful (I heard that!), or that I don't take showers, it is simply because I find the whole concept of friendship absolutely exhausting. So I have a few; they do their thing, I do my thing, and sometimes we speak to each other. I like it that way.

I think maybe I have just been stepped on, taken advantage of and just basically wrung dry by past friendships. I simply cannot be the source of someone's entire wellbeing anymore and I simply don't want to.

I think that is why I like my "online" friends so much. I can check my email when I want to, reply when I get the chance, etc. etc. They make no demands on me other than to vent to me in an email sometimes (which I do NOT mind at all), and I make no demands on them. It is a total win-win.

Being that I am such a sweetie, I decided that I was going to draft my very own "Friendship Rules of Conduct" and post them here so that any of my friends can come here, read them and there will never be any doubt what being a friend, what being MY friend, is all about. I am going to extend these rules to SOME members of my family as well. Because if there is anything worse that an overly needy, clingy friend it is overly needy, clingy family!

#1: If we haven't spoken in a while, PLEASE DO NOT call me up and with that little whiny voice ask me "Are you mad at me?" or "Why are you avoiding me? You haven't called me in a long time!" First of all, if we haven't spoken in while, then that means that YOU haven't called ME either! So your whole "ME avoiding YOU" issue doesn't hold water. Secondly, if I am angry with you, I WILL TELL YOU IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS!

#2: Just because my husband goes out of town often for his job, it doesn't mean that I am bored or lonely and I DON'T need you and your 4 delightful children inviting yourselves to my house to "keep me company". I like doing my own thing, by myself.

#3: Please do not just "drop by" for a chat. CALL FIRST! Is that so hard? In a day and age where EVERYONE has a cell phone, NO ONE should be just "dropping by". I just might be in the middle of something (and yes, lying on the couch, eating ice cream and watching the morons on "Wife Swap" IS considered being the "middle of something"!) and I will never for the life of me understand why you think you some people think it is okay to just show up and expect me to stop what I am doing to entertain you for 2 or 3 hours. If you didn't call me, then don't knock on my door (or ring the bell! Thought you had me on that one didn't ya!). PERIOD.

#4: When I tell you something that I would like for you to keep to yourself, PLEASE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!

#5: Please don't talk about me behind my back. Two-faced people make me sick. If you have a problem with me, have the balls to say it to my face not to everyone else, all the while telling me something totally different. And if you think I don't KNOW you are talking about me behind my back, think again. You talk about everyone else behind THEIR backs, so, ummm, yeah....

#6: If I loan you something, GIVE IT BACK without me having to ask you for it. And if you lose it, break it, ruin it (or let your kids do those things) REPLACE IT. I shouldn't even HAVE to add this one, but...ummm...yeah

#7: If I am sick don't call me under the guise of finding out how I am, only to start in on how horribly sick YOU are. If I am NOT sick and you are feeling bad and you REALLY need to talk, then by all means, I am here for you. But if I am sick, and you can't just call to ask me how I am or offer to do something for me, then don't bother.

#8: You can't "fix" me, so please don't try. If you don't like me the way that I am, then I don't think we should be friends anymore.

#9: If you have a problem with me, grow up and tell me. Don't hint around, don't just give me your bitchy, irritated attitude and expect me to figure it out; grow a pair and tell me.

I am sure this list will grow, and I am sure you are VERY excited to see that, so watch for updates:o)



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