Friday, January 30, 2009

Flashback Friday

I have passed my strange sense of humor on to my girls and Rat Man's quick sense of humor was inherited by The Tomboy. She can come up with something off the top of her head within seconds and have you rolling in the floor.

It has been that way since she was first able to talk. As a matter of fact her first phrase was "Stop it (pronounced like "toppit), which she said in a mocking way with with a rotten grin. It was her way of saying, "Yeah, you tell me that all the time, but frankly I find it funny, because you can bet it doesn't mean a thing to me. I will do what I want, when I want."

So she has always been a handful.

One day when she was about 4 years old, I was sitting in the floor with the kids that I was babysitting for. She was off playing, but she came running in to see what we were doing. She was standing in front of me and I noticed that her denim shorts were unzipped.

"You better close the barn door or all of your cows will get out", I told her, playfully referring to her unzipped pants.

Immediately after the words left my mouth, she farted.

She grinned (that rotten little grin) and exclaimed with glee, "Did you hear 'em mooing?"

Yeah, I blame her dad.


Thursday, January 29, 2009

This is NOT an endorsement! (But I love this site!)

Okay, I am not going to turn this blog into an endorsement or "product review" kind of thing, there are plenty of them out there, doing great jobs, they don't need me.

I have never tried these products, but I got such a HUGE kick out of the names of them, I just had to share.

How cute is this stuff? I can't wait until my niece's baby shower. I am going to get her an entire set of this stuff!

CUTE, CUTE, CUTE! And it looks like something I would make if I was going to make something like this. Don't ya think?


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Ice, Ice, Baby


Okay, I know the title of this post is LAME, but it popped into my head.

Remember that post just a few days ago about how our weather had been so mild. Well, I knew I would have to pay for that one and here it is.

This is a shot of the grass right outside my front door:

This is a shot of just down the street from us:

This is a shot of the highway just down the hill:

This is a tree in my front yard:

Yeah, we are living in a frozen world right now. We haven't lost power yet, God I hope we don't. And can you believe it is supposed to be 56 degrees by Saturday! lol Yeah, it's NUTS!

I DESPISE (let me say that again) I DESPISE weather like this.

I'm moving to the Bahamas.

Monday, January 26, 2009

How Eff'ed up is this????

There are some sick bastards on this planet!

First, we have a 2 year old go missing and her mother doesn't report it. Then she lies, and lies and lies and lies. Then the child is found dead. This poor, poor little baby. I have seen the video of this child singing "You Are My Sunshine" until the sound of her voice and the contours of her little face are engraved into my brain and heart. That story is here in case you have been under a rock and don't know about it.

Then I see THIS. Some people are just sick. I am shaking as I type this because it makes me so mad, and so sick, and every other emotion and reaction you can think of! If clicking that doesn't work, you can find it here

I hope to God that no one will buy them. If they do, they are sicker fucks than the guys making them.



Friday, January 23, 2009

Flashback Friday

I have decided to add a new little "feature" to this blog. I am going to call it "Flashback Friday" (maybe I will start a whole new trend. And if someone else is doing it somewhere, then don’t tell me. Let me live in my "oh, I am so very clever" moment, dammit!)

You see, I read lots of great blogs that women write where they get to talk about all of the cute, shocking and downright disgusting things that their kids do. Mine too do cute, shocking and disgusting things, but they are 19 and 21, so it just isn’t really all that exciting anymore. Not by a long shot.

When my demon brats kids were growing up the word "blog" was just a sound made when you had your head hanging over the toilet after a night of binge drinking and playing quarters. Computers still took up entire wings of buildings. Okay, not really, but DOS was the popular programming language and the internet was still in its "fetus" stage. It hadn't even reached "infancy". So you see I never got to share all those little moments in hell adorable things my kids did when they were little with people in places like India and Australia.

Sooooo that is where the "flashback" part comes in. is all starting to make sense now, huh? I knew you would catch on.

So I have some good stuff coming. I thought about keeping you waiting until next week, but what the hell, why not just jump right in and humiliate myself and my daughters right away?

Now I am not PROMISING to have some cute, exciting little gem to give you EVERY Friday, but I will give it my best. Deal? Good.

When The Princess was just 23 months old, my little Tomboy was born. Of course at the time she wasn't a tomboy, I was still putting her in those humiliating pink dresses and headbands and stuff....but I digress.

When The Tomboy was 2 weeks old, I had to take her in for her first checkup to make sure that she was gaining weight on my breastmilk, etc. I didn't have a whole lot to wear at the time since I had gained 763 pounds during my pregnancy and only lost about 4 of them when I gave birth, so I was stuck with wearing a light colored, summer "jumper" type dress that I had worn into my 7th month. Since it was now October I decided to put a long sleeve t shirt under it. It wasn't very heavy material and it was see-through it certain light, so I put a half slip on underneath; the same one that I had worn during my pregnancy so it was a little stretched, but it worked.

Off I headed with my newborn and my 23-month-old to the doctor's office.

At the time the clinic we went to only took walk-in patients. They didn't do appointments. So you just showed up one day and waited for 3.8 weeks until your name was called.

When we got there it was CROWDED, but I managed to find an area to set up camp smack in the middle of the waiting room.

We had been there for a while when The Tomboy woke up and started to cry. About that time The Princess decided she needed to go potty. She was doing the "I. gotta. go. NOW!" dance, and the The Tomboy was screaming at the top of her tiny little lungs.

I was NOT about to just pop my boobs out for the amusement of the man with the bloody bandage on his hand and the guy sitting next to him with 3 missing teeth, grubby black hands, and the dark blue uniform with the name tag "Earl" on it. So I put the baby back into her carry seat, really screaming now. By this time The Princess is flopping around on the floor, eyes rolled back in her head, holding her little crotch, her face turning 13 shades of red, begging me to hurry, Mommy, hurry. To say that I was feeling a little on edge is like saying that Paris Hilton is only KINDA stupid.

I grabbed all our stuff that was strewn around, and shoved it all into the diaper bag, grabbed the baby, and stood up to make my way through all the bodies to take The Princess to the bathroom. Everyone was looking at us.


Just as I stood up I felt it. It happened so fast.

I looked down. There I stood, baby in my arms, diaper bag on my shoulder, toddler practically in convulsions, and my half slip was in a pool at my feet.

You know how you have those moments where a million things go through your mind in an instant?

Should I step out of it and just leave it laying there? Should I step out of it and kick it under the chair? Should I dare to pull it up? Oh.My.God.

So I put the carry seat down, bent down and unceremoniously hiked it right back up as if it was something I did on a regular basis in front of 1,716 people. The lady across from us smiled sympathetically. I wanted to be abducted by aliens RIGHT THEN.

Since no bright light nor a tractor beam presented itself at that second, then with all the dignity I could muster, I picked up the baby, took The Princess by the hand and headed to the bathroom.

When I got in there I realized something was terribly, terribly WRONG. When I had pulled up the slip I had bunched the back of my skirt in the top of the slip. So I had just paraded my fat ass through a sea of people with my skirt tucked into the back of my slip, AFTER I had pulled it up because it had FALLEN THE FUCK DOWN!

I stayed in the bathroom until they called our names. The good news is that The Princess made it to the potty without peeing her pants.

That just seemed really moot at that point.


Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I have GOT to get out more!

Today is a really nice day here (as a matter of fact, we have had more nice days here in the mid south central than cold days this winter, thank goodness!), so I let the cat out into the back yard alone for a while. She has never tried to get out or run away or anything so I felt it was safe.

I went to check on her after a little bit and she was doing a trapeze walk on the fence. One little hop and she would have been in the front yard and gone. I nearly tripped right out of my Crocs getting out to get her.

I grabbed her, scolding her as I stomped into the house.

Keep in mind that I was alone in the house (except for the cat and dog) and here I was talking to (actually yelling at) the cat!

This is what I found myself saying to her (I don't remember verbatim, but it was along these lines):

"Shame on you, young lady! I know you think you are old enough to go out and find some males, but it is not going to happen. Not while you are under MY roof! I know what will happen. You will get out, be gone for days, then come back pregnant. And what if you have 4, or 5, or even 6 babies? Do you really think you will be willing to change litter boxes and feed them after they are 6 weeks old? Oh, no. It will be ME who has to deal with it. And if you think I am going to raise my grandkittens, you are wrong little girl. It will NOT be happening! And who will pay the bill if something goes wrong? They don't have kitty medicaid for single cat moms!"

And what does she do? She, looks right at me, then primly turns around and marches into the bathroom, climbs in the litter box and takes a big one.

Just what do you think she was trying to say to me? Well, I can tell you right now, if she thinks for one minute..........

Oh, God, I REALLY need to get out of this house.


Monday, January 19, 2009

I got another award from Lana!

Thank you, Lana! I am so sorry that it took me so long to get it put up, but that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it very, very much!

Thank you!

Now if I just had some people to award it to! I don't know that many people, but I will see what I can find:o)

Go and visit her if you get the chance! Her writing is GREAT!


Dog Breeds You Don't See Every Day

It is common knowledge that I have a very twisted sense of humor. And I LOVE dogs.

My sister knows me so well. She sent me this today, and I thought it was soooo cute. I don't like a lot of that "spammy" stuff that people send, and she doesn't send me a lot of stuff like that, but she couldn't pass this up because she knew I would love it.

How cute are these?

1.Collie + Lhasa Apso - Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

2.Pointer + Setter - Pointsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

3.Great Pyrenees + Dachshund - Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

4.Pekingese + Lhasa Apso - Peekasso, an abstract dog

5.Newfoundland + Basset Hound - Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

6.Terrier + Bulldog -Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

7.Bloodhound + Labrador - Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

8.Malamute + Pointer -Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

9.Collie + Malamute - Commute, a dog that travels to work

10.Deerhound + Terrier - Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Someone had WAY too much time on their hands when they thought these up. Actually when I see something like this, I get this picture of all these stoners sitting around, passing the bong and cracking up at their own wit. I am sure that is how a lot of this comes about.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

My Cat is in Heat

I know that is not something you see on a blog everyday, but I just have to talk about it because it is driving me OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND!

I watch a little 3 year old boy during the day and when the cat goes up to him and stands in front of him with her butt in the air crying he gets so freaked out. Poor kid. She doesn't do that to me or Rat Man, but she does it to him, and ummm exactly what are you supposed to say to the poor little guy?

You know, it is a good thing that women aren't like cats. Could you just see it now? Every time we have our "cycle" we start rolling around on the floor, sticking our butts in the air and crying at the tops of our lungs.

Just think about that for a minute; in the grocery store, your child's teacher, that lady at the DMV with the one eyebrow over her very large forehead. And when that doesn't work, we climb up on the bed and pee in the middle of it because the male in the family isn't paying enough attention to us. (Hmmmm, I wonder if that would get me some attention......naw.....better not....)

I am about ready to pimp her out.

As I hear the sounds of yowling I suddenly have this very, very twisted daydream....a male cat in a business suit arrives at the front door, ringing the bell and asking to see her. We collect the money, then we usher him into a private room and tell him, "You have 30 minutes, and don't try anything funny because we are right outside the door." After 30 minutes, he comes out tucking in his shirt with an embarrassed look on his face and she is laying on the bed smoking a cigarette and I have 50 bucks to spend.

Yeah, I know I am losing it. What am I thinking? And where is my head for even day dreaming such things? We couldn't do that!

We don't allow smoking in the house.

(Don't you just love these little peeks inside my head? Yeah, scares everyone else too.)


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Me Likey!

It's official. No one has a sense of humor. I for one find this commercial ( H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S. The first time I saw it, I laughed so hard I nearly fell of the couch.

I cannot believe the amount of attention it is getting on the internet STILL after so many weeks, and I cannot believe that people are upset by it. First of all, yes it is aimed at ADULTS. That doesn't mean that kids can't see it. How many 5-year-olds are going to understand the symbolism of the hat going "boing". And yeah, your teen will probably "get it", if they don't then someone needs to sit them down for a talk. I would probably snicker at them if they got red faced, but I am a bitch like that.

The thing is that Arby's is so loving the attention; so those of you bitching about it, you are doing them a big favor just like you always do when you get all stupid about things that don't, in the end, matter all that much. The commercial did just what they set out for it to do; get noticed. And most normal human beings without bugs up their butts are going to find it funny. Those that don't are going to get it a lot of attention it wouldn't have otherwise gotten.

How many times do groups of parents get all riled up about some artist's song lyrics and suddenly the song hits number one and goes triple platinum. Duh.

Lighten up folks. Life is WAAAAY too short.

Suddenly I am hungry for a roast beef sandwich with au jus.


Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa!

Okay, I know I need to be whipped, I promised not to leave you hanging again, and here I went and did it!

Actually, the holidays are always soooo stressful (have I mentioned that family sucks?), and then to top it off both Rat Man and I were sick. No we weren't sick; we were S-I-C-K. I will spare you the yucky details .

Then Rat Man's grandfather passed away, so that just added to the wonderful "festive" mood we have been experiencing, so I just haven't felt much like writing.

I apologize. But if you love me, you have to forgive me. So there!

Seriously, I am really sorry that I left you hanging AGAIN.

I just wanted to post that for everyone. I have some stuff that I want to rant about, so I will be getting to those things shortly.

Thanks for sticking around:o)