Monday, June 29, 2009

Never Buy Your Vibrator at the Service Desk at Wal Mart

The Princess is a 21-year-old adult, and she is not, at the moment dating anyone. Having always had a healthy love life (a little healthier than I liked most of the time, but that is a whole other post) she has been, well, lonely lately.

She was in the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market, (if you don't have one of those in your area, they are kind of like a "mini-Wal-mart", most of them are open 24 hours, they have a pharmacy and an abbreviated selection of the normal stuff that Wal-Mart carries) and she was browsing around, when she came across this little vibrating "pleasure" ring device near the condoms and the KY Jelly.

Like I said, she has always had a pretty healthy love life (which really is none of my business, she IS an adult after all), but at the moment she isn't seeing anyone. She said at first she giggled when she saw it, and then thought "What the hell?" and she picked it up.

She was in there to buy cigarettes, so she headed to the little service desk with her new little plaything and paid for everything right there. She was a little embarrassed by her purchase, so she grabbed the bag as quickly as she could and headed to the door.

Just as she crossed the threshold at the exit door, THE ALARM WENT OFF. As you can probably imagine, it was NOT the cigarettes that caused the alarm to go off, it was her new toy. And everyone within sight of the doors turned around to see what had caused the commotion.

Blushing to her feet, with all these people staring at her, she turned around while this pimply faced boy came up to her and took the bag, reached in and said "Oh, this is probably the problem; it has a security device and they must have forgotten to rub it across the scanner to deactivate it." She could tell he wanted to laugh, but was trying really hard not to.

With everyone watching, he carried it over to his lane where he was checking, starts rubbing it over the deactivation pad, the whole time grinning, the customers in his line watching the whole thing, while The Princess just wanted to run from the store and never come back.

But finally, after rubbing it for what seemed and eternity, he gets it deactivated, hands it back to her and she places it back in the bag and with all the dignity she could muster, headed out of the store.

So yeah, the moral of this story is, DON'T buy your vibrators at Wal-Mart and if you DO, make sure the cashier who checks you out deactivates the security device before they bag it. It will save you some time and embarrassment in the long run.

Oh, and she is going to kill me when she finds out that I posted this on my blog. But I just couldn't help it. It was too funny.


Sunday, June 28, 2009

It's been a rough past few months in Hollywood

Wow, I know I already posted about Farrah and Michael Jackson passing away, but I was sitting here a little bit ago and thinking about all the people that have died in the past few months that were famous. It starts in January with Ricardo Montalban and it seems like every month it has just been one after the other, after the other! WOW.

I may miss mentioning some of them in this post, but these are the ones that stood out to me because of who they were. And whether they were beautiful, controversial, broke or totally whacked out, they were all brilliant in their own ways and maybe they deserved a little better than what they got in the end. (Well except maybe David Carradine, I mean, ugh!)

So this is an RIP to the following, no matter how you felt about them, the world is just a little dimmer without their faces, their voices, and yes even their controversies:

Ricardo Montalban-"I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED Fantasy Island and I hope they will put out more than just the first season on DVD because I have watched those over and over and over and I although compared to today's technology they are a bit cheesy, they are cheesy in the best way! I think maybe you were best though in the role of 'KAHN', and I am not going to explain that one, because if one is not a Trekkie they don't deserve to know!"

Bea Arthur-"Wow, what can I say, you were one of the funniest women EVER. I'll always remember you as Dorothy Zbornak and I have seen all the episodes of Golden Girls about a billion times! You were absolutely BRILLIANT and you will be sorely missed."

Natasha Richardson-"You were beautful in The Parent Trap and a total BITCH in Maid in Manhattan but you were a hell of an actress and didn't get the accolades you deserved! Not by a long shot."

David Carradine-"Basically you just scared the hell out of me, especially as the abusive 'Justin Lamotte' in the TV mini-series The North and the South, but you were a hell of an actor too. I hope people will remember THAT. But I also hope that your death will be a big reminder to people that you can DIE from autoerotic asphyxiation. It is a deadly game and I hope that teens all over the world will hear that it killed you to help save their lives. Maybe that will be your best legacy."

Ed McMahon-"I remember that it seemed you were always smiling, or yelling, whether it was on 'Johnny Carson' or 'Star Search'. Oh, and where the hell is my check from PCH? I wish you would have sent that before you left."

Farrah Faucet-"My sister, her best friend Patti, and I used to play Charlie's Angels. We'd dress up, put on makeup and put toy guns in my mom's purses and we WERE the Angels (I always had to be 'Sabrina' though)! When I saw 'The Burning Bed' it was so real because it reminded me of my abusive childhood. I watched it on a Sunday afternoon, sitting in the living room floor all alone, on VHS back in 1987, and sat like a stone through it the first time. I then rewound it and cried all the way through it the second time. You were amazing in that movie and deserved an Emmy. A lot of us could relate to the character, and you played the hell out of her!"

Michael Jackson-"In the 80s you were IT. I was head over heels. I had your albums, your posters and even this little mirror that had your name scrolled across it that I just loved. I thought you were the best. That is what I will remember you for. I wish you could have found a way to silence the demons you carried. But maybe they made you the musical genious you were. I guess we had to take the good with the bad. I just hope you will be remembered for the good."

I know that Billy Mays died today and while I have nothing to say to him, it is such a shame that ANYONE should have their life snuffed out at such a young age. How terrible for his family.

Like I said, I know there were others, but these are the ones that I will personally remember for whatever reason, and would say these things to if I could. May you all rest in peace.


Thursday, June 25, 2009

This is NOT a Day to be Famous

Not only have we been hearing about Farrah Faucet's death all day, it has just been reported that Michael Jackson has just died at the age of 50 from suspected cardiac arrest.


Strange day.

Friday, June 19, 2009

There was a President Who Swatted a Fly


There was a President who swatted a fly,
Peta wants to know why he swatted the fly,
Perhaps they think he should die.

This is cute:

Or you can go here and read the cute "Interview" itself:

Hey, PETA I am all for the ethical treatment of animals, 100% as a matter of fact. But if you think that includes, flies, fleas, ticks, roaches, misquitoes, poisonous spiders, etc. which, you apparently do, you people need to shut the fuck up and get lives.

If Obama had killed a cat, a dog, a hamster, or a goldfish yeah, there would be a problem, but ummmm...well...there just aren't enough words in the English language to express how stupid this whole thing is.

(Yeah, I know and here I am spreading it.)

It was a slow news day.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Kinda Long Post....But if you are bored or something.....

I now have a part time job that involves actually LEAVING the house! Now the job is NOT glamorous in ANY sense of the word, but it is hard to find something from 3pm-11pm, just 3 days a week on a rotating schedule, you know?

I feel kinda funny about it though. I guess it is just a "confidence" thing. I mean, I have done LOTS of things, cashier at Wal Mart, waitress in dives and fine dining, I have been an insurance agent (hated that, give me back the dives!), I have some college education (18 credit hours in things like computers, English Comp, Communication, Psychology, etc.), I am proficient in MS Office Professional and a MYRIAD of other applications, and I know this about myself and I am proud of myself that I COULD go to just about any office and plop down my resume and get the job. I should have confidence in THIS job. But I just feel kinda funny about taking this job because I feel I have stepped down. And then I am ASHAMED of myself for feeling that way too because there are a LOT of people that do this type of job, that is all they are skilled for and they should be admired because they are holding down very honorable work. And let's face it, there are some people that would give their right arms to have ANY job now, and I am feeling weird about mine? I should be shot. Period.

I have looked everywhere. I have sent in resumes, filled out online applications, begged, pleaded and I may have even made promises of sex, to find a PART TIME job that would allow me to do what I need to do and still make a decent amount of money. It just wasn't happenin' folks.

Let's put it this way. We have 2 cats and 2 dogs. I also babysit for a special needs little boy, he has recently started in the preschool here for special needs kids, but if he is sick (and on Saturdays) he comes here for the day. Even on the days that he goes to school, I put him on his bus and then his mom pays me to "be here" until 2pm as an "on call" kind of thing in case he gets sick and needs to come home (he has a heart condition and a gastric feeding tube). She doesn't pay me much AT ALL, but I am obligated and this little boy has come to mean a lot to me (I have watched him since he was 5 months old). So I HAD to have something that would allow me to stick to my "put-him-on-the-bus-then-be-here-until-2pm" obligation. Let's face it folks, those are few and far between.

So basically, in the last several years, between cats, dogs, babies and then Rat Man and now The Tomboy, (between working in my mom's accounting office during tax season here and there) I have swept, mopped, cleaned up vomit, snot, poop, pee, slobber, (babies and toddlers are always LEAKING from somewhere, what is the FREAKIN' deal with that??? We need to invent some "Stop Leak" for them! NOW!) and even though the "little guy" is in school and potty trained, etc. I am STILL deal with vomit, poop and pee, sweeping (mostly cat litter and spills from the cat and dog food bowls), doing laundry, mopping, etc. etc. etc. etc. so I decided if I was going to do all that shit (no pun intended) anyway, then by God it was time I was being paid for it.

So I applied for a part-time housekeeping job at a small community hospital.

A woman that I have known for a long, long time works there, she is going full time and basically she helped me get her part time shift that she has had for a long time. (She begged on my behalf! Can't let her down now! EEK!) She has told me that it really is NOT that bad. You scrub the toilets and make the beds, use the dust mop, wipe the window sills, and you very rarely get anything really gross (that is what the CNAs are for!) So I don't think it is going to be a bad job. And like I said, I feel kind funny about it, and then I feel ashamed of myself for feeling so funny about it.

There is NOTHING in this world that is wrong with ANYONE that has to go out and do a very hard days work to make a buck. Not that "office work" isn't very tiring, I have been there and it is. But it isn't hard on the body in the way that something like cleaning, laying bricks or building a house is, you know? And I have rejoined those hard working people (albeit on a part-time basis).

To tell you the truth I DESPISE office work. I don't mind if I am working on my own website, making a flyer or something for friends, or even building a site for people (which I have done several times), but that is right here at home and I have more control of my time. But sitting in someone else's office everyday is torture to me. I really would rather scrub toilets and make beds that to do that. I would rather carry a heavy tray and refill coffee cups all day than do that. I know, I am nuts.

So I think this is going to work out fine. I mean, there is just no way I could have gotten, an evening shift (which I need and frankly prefer), 3pm-11pm, just 3 days per week and they rotate so it isn't like I will always be working the same nights and get stuck on Sunday all the time), and I will make enough money to pay the rent EXACTLY with what I'll get from this part time job and added to what I get from the little boy's mom. So basically it will be like I am working for the rent money, and removing that expense from Rat Man's pay is going to be like winning the lottery for us.

There are things that we want, there are things that we need, badly, and the only way we are going to get them is for me to earn them because poor Rat Man is already doing MORE than his share. So be it. I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to stop getting panicked when the doorbell rings that they are here to shut off the gas and we are going to be taking cold showers. And there are some things that I want Rat Man to have. I want to buy them for him, because he DESERVES them. He has worked his ass off FOR YEARS and he deserves more out of life than he gets, and I want to make some of those things happen over the next couple of years.

And then, I want to go back to college. Once we get caught up and I have have given Rat Man the things I want to give him (which really aren't all THAT expensive, but it is important to me that he have them) then I will return to school and get my degree in graphics design with an emphasis on web design and desktop publishing. That is my ultimate goal in all this.

So if I have to scrub some toilets, make hospital corners and clean up some vomit now and then to make that happen, then I will. And really, I would be a big baby if I said I couldn't or wouldn't do it. I mean, really, what kind of a person would that make me?

So here goes.

But first I have to pass the drug test, TB test, background check, etc. so gee I HOPE they don't find out about that hospital patient that had TB that I killed while I wasn't wearing a protective mask and snorting that line of coke.

So keep your fingers crossed on that part;o)


Sunday, June 14, 2009

Friday Flashback-On Sunday!

I have been meaning to post this "Friday Flashback" for some time and I just keep forgetting to do it ON Friday.

So I thought, hey, this is MY damn blog and I can post a "Friday" post any day I want. So there.

So here is this week's "Friday Flashback" and I would have titled it something like "Close Encounters" or "An Encounter in the Night" something really, really clever like that. So pretend that I did, 'k? 'K.


The main story here is a short one, but I wanted to give you a little background on the "subject" of the actual story. So here it is:

Several years ago we were living in a small town in a quiet neighborhood. One day an adult female cat wandered up and we started feeding her. She just stayed. We named her Ginger. We built her a little house and she lived in the yard. She would come and go, but she didn't stay gone long. She knew that our house was home.

It wasn't long before we realized she was pregnant. She was a WONDERFUL mother. She was just a WONDERFUL cat. Very loving & sweet, she was just the best cat ever. Just to give you a little bit of an idea of just how great she was, she even took a kitten that wasn't hers and fed it and took care of it as if it were her own. (My mother had a barn cat that abandoned one of her newborn kittens; Ginger's kittens were about 3 weeks old at the time, so we just took the newborn and gave it to her and she became its mother. It never mattered to her. I think she would have taken in puppies, bunnies, anything. She was just that kind of an animal).

She is gone now and we miss her, but we gave her a good life and happy home. At least we did our best.

One night, it was around 10 pm and it was DARK in the backyard when I went out on the back porch. I saw Ginger in the middle of the yard, her eyes were reflecting in one of the street lights and she was just sitting there staring at me.

"Hey, Baby", I called out to her.

She didn't move.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I was worried that maybe a car had hit her or something and she was injured and couldn't or wouldn't move. I knew instinctively that she wasn't acting "right" and I was worried.

I slowly left the porch and made my way to her, stepping softly, talking gently to her the entire time. If she was injured she might be scared and run and then we wouldn't be able to help her.

She just stood there as I walked up to her.

When I got to her I reached down to touch her, and that is when I saw it. The WHITE STRIPE down "Ginger's" back.

The skunk just stood there it's eyes glittering in the street light. It must have been surprised too that a human would get so close. Either that or it was scared. It never moved. I am so very thankful for that.

I very, very, very slowly stood up straight, very, very, very slowly turned around, and very, very, very slowly walked back to the porch. When I got to the porch, I very, very, very quickly opened the door and bolted into the house. My heart was pounding.

I couldn't believe that I had nearly petted a skunk. Can you imagine how I would have smelled if it had sprayed me??? Oh. My. God. And what if it would have bitten me?

Rat Man STILL after all these years loves to tell that story, and he just thinks it is WILDLY knee-slappingly funny.

Nowadays if I walk out of the house at night to take the dog out and even SMELL a skunk, I hightail it back into the house.

The dog can just pee in the floor for all I care. I'll march her into Rat Man's "room" (where all his Harley Davidson stuff lives) and tell her to pee right there. Then I'll make Rat Man clean it up! That would be wildly, knee-slappingly funny for ME!


Friday, June 12, 2009

I guess when it's your time, it REALLY is YOUR TIME!

Is this unbelievable or what???

I mean, wow.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

100% True Airport Security Story

You know, in this post-9/11 world, we are supposed to be safer. All those insanely long lines at security in the airports, being able to only carry so much liquid onto the plane, and blah, blah, blah is supposed to keep us safe.


The fact of the matter is, they (meaning the people that are PAID to keep us safe) are paying no more attention NOW, than they were THEN and, bottom line? We are no safer now than we have ever been. But just wait. Another 9/11 will happen one day, and suddenly everyone will be whining, "How did this happen???"

I'll will tell you how...

Ratman is an electrician. The company he works for currently has a contract with a man who is creating and building a new franchise. Of course I can't tell you what that is for legal confidentiality and all that stuff, but this same man has also invented, and patented a device that will impove a certain function when fast food chains serve their wares. Again, can't tell ya about it, BUT I can give you a brief description of the little item that he has invented and obtained said patent on, and just exactly what he did with it that has me shaking my head and muttering "dumbasses" under my breath.

This gentleman recently made a trip to Canada with his brand spankin' new patented prototype, carried onto the plane in a metal briefcase. The case was run through the x-ray machines, etc. etc. etc. and all of the other half-assed things they do to check the bags at security.

Now let me describe this little device to you.

It is about the size of a 15" laptop, it is black metal and inside it, along with all the "nuts and bolts" so to speak, is a 9-volt battery to power it, and it has a nifty little blinking red light on it to indicate that it is on and working properly. In other words, this little beauty could be ANYTHING.

This gentleman boarded a plane in the US, going through all the security crap, and no one questioned this device inside this case. He landed in Canada. Again, nothing. He boarded a plane to come BACK to the US, again, no one was concerned. He landed once more in the US and once more (have you guessed by now), NADA. Nothing. Not so much as a raised eyebrow.

How did this man take this prototype device (that Ratman told me, jokingly, actually could pass for a bomb because it is encased in black, has the red light blinking on it, and when it is opened you can clearly see the 9-volt battery operating it, besides all the wires and other junk that makes it work), through FOUR checkpoints, board TWO planes, LEAVE THE COUNTRY, ENTER A DIFFERENT COUNTRY, COME BACK INTO THE US and NO ONE NOTICED?

How did that happen? Because no one cares. Period.

THAT ladies and gentleman is the state of airport security. And personally, if I was getting on a plane, that would scare the hell out of me.


Saturday, June 6, 2009

Again, you just can't make this stuff up....

I hope I die with a little more dignity and I hope the NYPD is NOWHERE around when I do.

I hope they are ashamed. Oh, wait...we are talking about cops.....never mind.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

You just can't make this stuff up!


I don't even know what to say..... (and for me to be spleechless takes a LOT!)


Monday, June 1, 2009


Okay, it never amazes me when I check my stats and find some of the really weird keywords and phrases that brought people to my blog.

I think one of my visitors was Homer Simpson! He apparently searched for this: "can donuts make you get a headache". (Mmmmmm donuts.....)

I wonder what he thought of my blog? Thanks for visiting Homer!