Thursday, April 30, 2009

Another Item for the "Things you never want to hear come out of your daughter's mouth" files...

It never fails. No matter where The Tomboy is in a conversation I manage to walk in at the wrong time. Or maybe the problem is with the conversations themselves.

Today she was on the phone with her friend, Sarah and just as I rounded the corner into the kitchen where she was standing, I heard these words:

"You have faked it? I have NEVER had to fake an orgasm. I must have been with guys who know what they are doing."

Ahhhh she is a lovely child.....UGH.

Is it time for that 9 weeks Basic Training thing yet?


Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday Flashback-How to get 50% off on Dentist Bills

This Friday Flashback is a little different because it involves my cousin instead of one of my rotten kids. But I think you will get a good chuckle out of it just the same:o)

When my cousin Mindy was 12 years old she needed to visit the dentist to have 2 teeth pulled. The dentist in our small town was well known and well liked by everyone, but he had one hobby that some people found a little, well, icky. He had pet snakes.

Mindy knew this and when her mom told her that she was going to have to go to see him, she was insistent that he was NOT going to be putting his hands in her mouth due to the fact that he kept these pet snakes.

Well, obviously he didn't handle the snakes and then put his hands in people's mouths, but anyone who has ever tried to convince a 12-year-old of ANYTHING knows that it is nearly impossible.

Ignoring her protests, my aunt made the appointment and took Mindy to the dentist, with Mindy stating emphatically the entire time "He is NOT going to put his hands in my mouth!"

They arrived at the office, and called Mindy back to the exam room. They put her in the chair, put on the bib and then proceeded to give her the shots to numb her mouth. Once they finished the shots they left the room to allow her mouth to become sufficiently numb so the doctor could come in to pull her teeth. My aunt stayed in the waiting room.

After a while the dental assistant came out to the waiting room and summoned my aunt to Mindy's exam room.

My aunt was completely shocked when in the hallway the assistant handed her two of Mindy's teeth and stated "Your daughter pulled these out before the doctor even got into the room."

My incredulous aunt walked into the room where Mindy was and asked her "What did you do???" to which Mindy shrugged and replied "I told you he wasn't going to put his hands in my mouth."

Once she was numb, she had reached into her own mouth and wiggling with all her might had pulled out her own teeth.

Luckily she pulled the right ones.

The dentist office still had to charge my aunt for the pulling of one tooth. Go figure.


Thursday, April 23, 2009

In the Army (Reserves) Now...

Well, tomorrow my little Tomboy is going in to talk to the recruiter for the Army National Guard. Why does that make me feel like I can hardly breathe?

I know she is 19 and the only way she will ever have a future is to do this. Poor kids don't have much of a choice, you know? Even those that make straight "A" grades in school aren't guaranteed scholarships and unless parents can fork out hundreds of thousands of dollars for college, their kids are stuck with some very limited options. And that is my fault. We should have worked harder to give them more of a chance. And we didn't. I guess we tried, I don't know. The way I am feeling right now, I am not so sure we tried hard enough.

She wants to be a pharmacist (she goes around telling people she wants to be a "Drug Dealer"! Yep, that's my baby!), and the tuition for all that college and pharmacy school is simply astronomical. She could get student loans of course, but what kind of a life would she have saddled with all that debt as soon as she graduates?

I just think about my baby at boot camp and it just breaks my heart. Do all moms go through this when they have kids join the military? I think, "What if she gets sick (she has had pneumonia 7 times in her life), and they don't pay attention?" "What if she is just sad and misses us back home?" "What if she does this and then realizes that she hates it?" And God forbid, what happens if she goes into the war??? What happens if my darling, hilarious, brave and oh so smart girl gets killed because she has to do this in order to have a chance?

I am just so sad, and I have to pretend that I am happy and supportive and I keep telling her that she is going to do fine. She will get to help people after disasters, she will get money to go to school, she will be highly respected by not only her peers, but those that are older than she is. And most of all, she will be able to make a difference in the world and make something of herself that she can be proud of.

And even though I feel soooo sad and worried and scared, I am so very proud of her too. I will be so proud the day she graduates and wears that dress uniform. I will show of that photo of her in it to everyone I meet. I will brag about the things she is doing to show her American spirit and patriotism and I will mean every word of it.

Why then do I cry while I type this (I can barely see the screen now) and think of that little girl that couldn't go to sleep without her "Bankie" and her stuffed "Gizmo" (you know that cute little thing from "Gremlins"). I remember how when they got dirty how I had to convince her that both the blanket and the Gizmo LIKED going around and around really fast in the washing machine. That was the ONLY way she would give them up long enough for me to wash them. I remember the night that I put her to bed, and I went to get them and she declared with all the maturity of a 6-year-old wise beyond her years, "No, Mommy I don't need them anymore."

So "Bankie and Gizmo" were banished to the back of the closet.

Why do I feel that is where I am being sent too?


Sunday, April 19, 2009

Let's have a little sick and twisted fun (what better kind is there???)

UPDATE: Okay, I put the actual words on. Too bad we couldn't have had a little more response. But the ones who DID got them right! Pat yourself on the back!

I have a strange family and I think the rest of the world is beginning to figure it out because of this blog.

One of the things that my family is really good at (bad at???) is making up lyrics for songs. You know replacing what is there with something so stupid or so raunchy you can't help but laugh. Basically it has ruined some songs for me because when I hear the song, all I can think of is the way the lyrics have been butchered, abused and left to die on the side of the road by Rat Man or The Tomboy!

I am going to post some of them, but just for fun (or sadism) I am going to post them and see if any of you can guess what the song actually was. Some of them will be very, very simple and obvious, but some of them won't. Some of them are old 70s or 80s songs, some of them may be newer and they can come from any genre (country, rock, alternative, etc. etc.).

Okay, just leave a comment if you think you know what a certain song is; or certain songs are, you can guess more than one. Answer as many of them as you can figure out. I will post at the beginning of next week a list of what the songs really were and who the artist is that sings it. Some of these will be actual song titles, some of them will be lines from within the song. WARNING! Some of them are GRAPHIC, so like I always say, if you are easily offended you are in the wrong place dumbass, click that little "x' at the top of your screen or you will be scarred for life please leave now.

I will give you a hint with each line to make it easier. (See how sweet I am?)

1. "Eighteen wheels and a dozen donuts" (Country Song, circa 1980s)

Actual Words: Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Roses- by Country Singer Kathy Matea

2. "Smack you in the butt with a spatula" (Think "Zombie")

Actual Words: I slam in the back of my Dragula - by Rob Zombie

3. "Put your weenie in my bottom" (Think "Genies" and then feel ashamed of yourself for snickering!)

Actual Words: "I'm a Genie in a Bottle"- by Christina Aguilera

4. "I see a fat whore and I want to shave her back." (Think "Black" thoughts.)

Actual Words: "I see a red door and I want it to be black"- by The Rolling Stones

5. "Donuts make my brown eyes blue." (Kinda obvious if you grew up listening to country music in the 1970s)

Actual Words: Don't it make my brown eyes blue-by Country Singer Crystal Gayle

6. "I kinda always knew I'd end up your mom's girlfriend" (No hint on that one; too easy.)

Actual Words: I kinda always knew I'd end up your EX Girlfriend- by the band No Doubt

Side Note: The Tomboy goes around inserting the words "your mom" into EVERYTHING and it can be so HILARIOUS! Think about THAT the next time you are listening to one of your favorite songs. Try it with movie titles; you will be peeing your pants. Yeah, it’s immature, but it is sooo much FUN!

7. "Hump the bodies in the morgue" (Think about “Drowning”)

Actual Words: Let the bodies hit the floor-by Drowning Pool (I'm ashamed to admit I actually came up with that one. See Rat Man and The Tomboy are rubbing off on me!)

8. "Because, I had a time with your wife." (Think about it, Baby)

Actual Words: "Because I had the time of my life"-by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes "The Dirty Dancing Soundtrack"

Okay, so what songs do you think these completely twisted sentences above were derived from? Sorry, no prizes or anything, but you can feel smart for a day or two if you get more of them right than anyone else! Isn't that reward enough?

Have fun;o)


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Things that belong in the "WTF???" File

I just don't understand. And the saddest part is that people WILL watch. People will support this.

If I had my choice I would choose "Octomom" over "Michael Vick", but that would be one hell of a crappy choice to make.

Can we just shoot them both and be done?


Thursday, April 2, 2009

Only in Arkansas

I live near the city of Bella Vista, Arkansas. For years it has been a place for folks to "retire" to. People actually take the license plates off of their cars from the previous states in which they lived and hang them on their mailbox poles. I guess some states are better than others and "he who has the best state wins" or something. But I digress (as usual)...

Anyway, the community is full of rich and bitchy individuals who have nothing better to do with their time than piss and moan about mundane things as if they were the worst things that ever happened in the history of human events.

Rat Man was reading the paper yesterday and when he got to the "Police Reports" he cracked up laughing. After giving him a few weird looks and considering calling an ambulance, he reads us this report, and I am quoting it verbatim (that means "word for word", Sweetie, so get that confused look off your face and go back to eating your paste):

"At 4:12 pm Thursday, a Cromer Drive resident reported that a neighbor's dogs had been urinating on her car wheels for about an hour and a half. A verbal warning was given to the owner for allowing the dogs off their property."

I can just see the police smirking as they gave said "verbal warning".

Now, I have questions about this (quite a few actually) and I would love to call up these people on Cromer Drive and ask those questions. I mean, who wouldn't?

I guess the main one would be this: What the hell did those dogs have to drink and how much of it did they have??? I mean, I don't think it is even POSSIBLE for a dog to urinate for an hour and a half without looking like a furry California Raisin when they were done; is it? (I am not a vet so I could be mistaken on that one.) Were they chugging giant mugs of beer and then coming back to the car over and over, or was this a continuous stream of pee? Did the dogs take turns or was this something like synchronized swimming where they all were hiking their legs and letting go in tandem? How in the hell can a dog possibly balance THAT LONG???

Yeah, it is one of those things that make you scratch your head and say "what...the...fuck???"

But, then again, I say that a lot.