Thursday, April 23, 2009

In the Army (Reserves) Now...

Well, tomorrow my little Tomboy is going in to talk to the recruiter for the Army National Guard. Why does that make me feel like I can hardly breathe?

I know she is 19 and the only way she will ever have a future is to do this. Poor kids don't have much of a choice, you know? Even those that make straight "A" grades in school aren't guaranteed scholarships and unless parents can fork out hundreds of thousands of dollars for college, their kids are stuck with some very limited options. And that is my fault. We should have worked harder to give them more of a chance. And we didn't. I guess we tried, I don't know. The way I am feeling right now, I am not so sure we tried hard enough.

She wants to be a pharmacist (she goes around telling people she wants to be a "Drug Dealer"! Yep, that's my baby!), and the tuition for all that college and pharmacy school is simply astronomical. She could get student loans of course, but what kind of a life would she have saddled with all that debt as soon as she graduates?

I just think about my baby at boot camp and it just breaks my heart. Do all moms go through this when they have kids join the military? I think, "What if she gets sick (she has had pneumonia 7 times in her life), and they don't pay attention?" "What if she is just sad and misses us back home?" "What if she does this and then realizes that she hates it?" And God forbid, what happens if she goes into the war??? What happens if my darling, hilarious, brave and oh so smart girl gets killed because she has to do this in order to have a chance?

I am just so sad, and I have to pretend that I am happy and supportive and I keep telling her that she is going to do fine. She will get to help people after disasters, she will get money to go to school, she will be highly respected by not only her peers, but those that are older than she is. And most of all, she will be able to make a difference in the world and make something of herself that she can be proud of.

And even though I feel soooo sad and worried and scared, I am so very proud of her too. I will be so proud the day she graduates and wears that dress uniform. I will show of that photo of her in it to everyone I meet. I will brag about the things she is doing to show her American spirit and patriotism and I will mean every word of it.

Why then do I cry while I type this (I can barely see the screen now) and think of that little girl that couldn't go to sleep without her "Bankie" and her stuffed "Gizmo" (you know that cute little thing from "Gremlins"). I remember how when they got dirty how I had to convince her that both the blanket and the Gizmo LIKED going around and around really fast in the washing machine. That was the ONLY way she would give them up long enough for me to wash them. I remember the night that I put her to bed, and I went to get them and she declared with all the maturity of a 6-year-old wise beyond her years, "No, Mommy I don't need them anymore."

So "Bankie and Gizmo" were banished to the back of the closet.

Why do I feel that is where I am being sent too?



Manda said...

I can't even imagine how you are feeling right now. However your words and raw emotions are breaking my heart. I can see why you are so proud of her. I believe that you must have done quite a few things right that she has such a strong head on her shoulders.

kandi-itsmyblog said...

Thank you so much for your kind words! It IS tough. I go back and forth from being so very proud of her for wanting to do this and being scared out of my mind.

She tells me every day how she can't wait to help people. She wants to be one of the people that goes to places that have disasters like New Orleans and give out food and water, to rescue pets, to help and make a difference. And as a parent that is just about THE best thing you can ever hear come out of your child's mouth! And I can't take the credit for that. She is just an amazing person.

Thank you so much for the comment! it means a lot to me!