Must.....Stop....Reading.....Can't....Tear....Eyes....Away.....

Finally. Whew.

Seriously, I have been looking around at other bloggers, trying to find some talented, funny blogging ladies to stalk er...uh...read and I have found another one.

Yeah, I know I am probably coming to the ball game VERY late, as she has been around for a while and I am just barely out of my blogging virginity. So just let me pretend that I have discovered something that no one else knew about, and quit snickering already!

I added her to my "Best Blogs on the Planet" list, so you just have to go and read! She is F-U-N-N-Y funny! And more than anything in the world, I admire funny! You could find the cure for cancer, but if you aren't funny, forget it. You cannot be my friend.

So check her out when you get the chance!

In case you can't find my "Best Blogs on the Planet List" over THERE, here is the link http://www.warcrygirl.com/ Happy reading and tell her that Kandi sent ya! (And she will probably look at you and say "So what? Who the hell is that?")



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Gag me with a spoon!

Now. I’m. Pissed.

Did you know that there are rumors swirling around that there are plans in the works to make a new Footloose??? (Wait! Was that a collective "Jump back!?!?!" that I just heard?)

And the REALLY bad thing is (brace yourself) Zac "I-am-Really-a-Girl" Efron has been tapped to play Ren McCormick! Yes, I know.....I know....relax....breathe....find your bliss....find your bliss.....it's gonna be okay.....

Uh, correct me if I am wrong, but wasn’t Ren really kind of a bad ass? How do you translate "Bad Ass" into "Zac 'Makes-Me-Want-to-Yack' Efron"? That would be like getting Clay Aiken to play John McClane!

You know, Footloose wasn’t just MADE in the ‘80s, it WAS the '80s. It was what we were all about! That era was MY era. And to just toss the original aside, and "remake" it like it is so much garbage, well that is just plain WRONG.

What will it be next? Dirty Dancing? Sixteen Candles? Pretty in Pink? Or, (God forbid!) Weird Science? If that happens then it will be clear proof to me that there really is no justice (or taste) left in the world.

I wonder if there is a support group for this kind of thing???


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Just 3 days to go!

Have I mentioned that I LOVE Halloween? Hey! Guess what! I LOVE Halloween!

I don't know why. I mean I don't go crazy turning my house into a graveyard or anything, but I think it is because I always had as much fun as the kids when I would take them trick-or-treating. My sister was a foster parent for several years and every year we would pile into her van and take all the kids around town to get candy. It was really fun, and I miss it.

And then there is the candy itself.

Have I mentioned that I LOVE chocolate? Hey! Guess what! I LOVE chocolate!

I wonder if I could take one of the pets out in costume and pass them off as children?

This is "Wednesday", we have only had her a couple of months:










And this is my baby, "Mattie". She is my very heart and soul. I am so attached to this dog it is scary:










See how she is pouting because I am trying to take her picture and she doesn't like it? She is the reason they call female dogs "bitches".

You know I could always dress the cat like a dog and the dog like a cat. Ha. Wouldn't that be cute?



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I Got An Award! Na-na-na-na-na!

A very sweet Young Lady (that is my gift to you, Lana;o), was really sweet and sent me this award!

My very first award ever! So now I have proof that I have at least one reader and Rat Man can quit snickering:

Me: "Oh! That [insert random comment, joke, photo here] is so funny, my blog readers would love that!"

Rat Man: "Are you sure that BOTH of them would?"

He is such an ass...

So here is my award, from Lana:



Note to that other reader that I have; you just have to go over and read her stuff!


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More Randomness

If THIS CHICK gets any more plastic surgery she will have to see a proctologist to get dental work! Does she scare the hell out of you or what???

I would rather look like Keith Richards (who is, of course, the world's oldest living California Raisin), than to have to walk around like that.

YIPES.


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Some Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Irritating

I have been thinking about what nicknames I will give to my 2 daughters when I write about them here. My oldest daughter (she will be 21 on Nov. 9th), has done some pageants in the past and has several crowns, so nicknaming her "The Princess" (which also will give you some insight to her character) wasn't much of a stretch.

My youngest (she is 19) on the other hand, I am having trouble with. She was always the "tomboy", and coming up with something for her isn't as easy. You have to remember she is also a smart ass just like her father. I don't think I have EVER met a father and daughter who are more alike in personality.

She stopped by here today and she was in her usual wise-ass form. I had mentioned to her earlier that I was struggling trying to decide on nicknames for them for the blog. She was being such a brat that I said:

"I think I have the nicknames for you and your sister for my blog. I think I will use 'The Princess' and 'The Bitch'.

She just looked at me with a little smirk and said "Why does she get TWO names?"

Okay, so I wouldn't REALLY refer to my child as "The Bitch" for this blog, but I am sure you can see why I would be tempted to do so.



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Rambling

You can tell so much about people by just sitting back and watching what they do. It is the same with blogs.

People that blog don't always come right out and say "I like this" or "I hate that" or "I enjoy watching [Insert TV Show/Movie/Porno Here]", but as you read them day after day or week after week you begin to form the puzzle that makes them...well, THEM, you know? You come to know, on some level, who they are.

I have been making notes throughout the day when I see something interesting, funny, sickening (or all three rolled into one) that I want to share on my blog, and it has made me so much more aware of myself. I think sometimes we forget who we are. Between jobs, cleaning litter boxes, and wiping snotty noses we lose whatever it was we used to be, or we never evolve into who were were intended to be.

I think I am at that time in my life. My kids have moved out, of course they still need me (I often say when your kids move out it doesn't mean the job is over, it just means you have more rent to pay, more cars to repair and buy tires for, well you get the idea), but here I am and all those things that made me the me that I was are gone.

I think some women in my situation get really depressed and feel totally lost. And for a while I did that too. It was awful when my youngest daughter left. I honestly felt that I had no purpose anymore.

Very slowly I have started to realize that this means I now have an opportunity to find out who I am. I hesitate to use the term "self discovery" because that sounds so "new-agey", but really that is what it is. I have started to think along the lines of "what do I want?", rather than "what should I make for dinner?". And for so long I never formed any solid ideas, convictions or opinions about things, but I am beginning to. And I am even beginning to defend those ideas because I know deep down that I truly believe them and have a right to them.

Rat Man and I will never be rich. Hell, we are lucky to pay the water bill sometimes, but I don't think that is necessarily all bad. It has certainly made me appreciate everything I DO have. It has made me want to do better. It has caused me to stop and take a long hard look at things that I probably wouldn't have otherwise.

So I think this blog is a tool, to help me discover who I am, maybe who I was always meant to be but missed it somewhere along the line when I was folding laundry & changing dirty diapers.

I can't say that I will not have days that I simply want to stay in bed with the covers over my head (I would really like to do that most days), but I am trying to dig my way out from under those covers.

Maybe in the process of this "blogging journey" someone will stumble upon it and realize that they too have a person inside them that has a need and a right to be heard. Maybe I will inspire them in some way to do what they always wanted to do.

Okay enough icky touchy-feely crap.

Back to our regularly scheduled insanity......

I'm not a REAL Christian, I just play one on TV......

I am sure that in the future I will have a lot more to say on this subject because there is so much about THIS FAMILY that is so BEYOND ridiculous that I will not be able to resist posting about them again (and again and again, not to mention that I am sure I will get lots of really intelligent comments from people who are "drinking the Duggar Kool-Aid").....

But for the purposes of this post I just have to ask and please correct me if I am wrong (not really, 'cause I don't care), but I thought they didn't watch TV due to their "religious convictions" (you know that whole "evil tool of the devil" thing). But they have a reality show AND several made-for-TV specials so that other people can watch them.....ummm...on TV?

I wonder just how much TLC (and all of the other news outlets, and on and on and on) had to pay them to change their religious beliefs (or to just skew them to fit what they needed them to be at the moment)? How much ARE those going for these days?

You have to hand it to ole Jim Bob Slimy Pants, he sure has everyone exactly where he wants them.


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I Just Wanna Be Your Friend (NOT!)

I don't have many friends. I don't have any problem whatsoever admitting that because it is a choice. It isn't because I am mean, or hateful (I heard that!), or that I don't take showers, it is simply because I find the whole concept of friendship absolutely exhausting. So I have a few; they do their thing, I do my thing, and sometimes we speak to each other. I like it that way.

I think maybe I have just been stepped on, taken advantage of and just basically wrung dry by past friendships. I simply cannot be the source of someone's entire wellbeing anymore and I simply don't want to.

I think that is why I like my "online" friends so much. I can check my email when I want to, reply when I get the chance, etc. etc. They make no demands on me other than to vent to me in an email sometimes (which I do NOT mind at all), and I make no demands on them. It is a total win-win.

Being that I am such a sweetie, I decided that I was going to draft my very own "Friendship Rules of Conduct" and post them here so that any of my friends can come here, read them and there will never be any doubt what being a friend, what being MY friend, is all about. I am going to extend these rules to SOME members of my family as well. Because if there is anything worse that an overly needy, clingy friend it is overly needy, clingy family!

#1: If we haven't spoken in a while, PLEASE DO NOT call me up and with that little whiny voice ask me "Are you mad at me?" or "Why are you avoiding me? You haven't called me in a long time!" First of all, if we haven't spoken in while, then that means that YOU haven't called ME either! So your whole "ME avoiding YOU" issue doesn't hold water. Secondly, if I am angry with you, I WILL TELL YOU IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS!

#2: Just because my husband goes out of town often for his job, it doesn't mean that I am bored or lonely and I DON'T need you and your 4 delightful children inviting yourselves to my house to "keep me company". I like doing my own thing, by myself.

#3: Please do not just "drop by" for a chat. CALL FIRST! Is that so hard? In a day and age where EVERYONE has a cell phone, NO ONE should be just "dropping by". I just might be in the middle of something (and yes, lying on the couch, eating ice cream and watching the morons on "Wife Swap" IS considered being the "middle of something"!) and I will never for the life of me understand why you think you some people think it is okay to just show up and expect me to stop what I am doing to entertain you for 2 or 3 hours. If you didn't call me, then don't knock on my door (or ring the bell! Thought you had me on that one didn't ya!). PERIOD.

#4: When I tell you something that I would like for you to keep to yourself, PLEASE KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!

#5: Please don't talk about me behind my back. Two-faced people make me sick. If you have a problem with me, have the balls to say it to my face not to everyone else, all the while telling me something totally different. And if you think I don't KNOW you are talking about me behind my back, think again. You talk about everyone else behind THEIR backs, so, ummm, yeah....

#6: If I loan you something, GIVE IT BACK without me having to ask you for it. And if you lose it, break it, ruin it (or let your kids do those things) REPLACE IT. I shouldn't even HAVE to add this one, but...ummm...yeah

#7: If I am sick don't call me under the guise of finding out how I am, only to start in on how horribly sick YOU are. If I am NOT sick and you are feeling bad and you REALLY need to talk, then by all means, I am here for you. But if I am sick, and you can't just call to ask me how I am or offer to do something for me, then don't bother.

#8: You can't "fix" me, so please don't try. If you don't like me the way that I am, then I don't think we should be friends anymore.

#9: If you have a problem with me, grow up and tell me. Don't hint around, don't just give me your bitchy, irritated attitude and expect me to figure it out; grow a pair and tell me.

I am sure this list will grow, and I am sure you are VERY excited to see that, so watch for updates:o)



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Randomness

You know, Obama talks about "change" and that "changes" are coming and it is time for a "change". I wonder what "the change" will be?

You know, when women talk about going through "the change" it is NEVER met with enthusiasm.

Let's see: hormonal mood swings, hot flashes...and those are the FUN parts. It all goes downhill from there.

Yikes.

Let's Hear it for the Rat Man

My hubby is, well, I don’t want to call him an asshole, but basically….yeah….that is what he is. A long time ago someone gave him the nickname "Rat" because his first and last initials are "r" and "t" respectively, and they used the "a" in the middle to stand for (you guessed it, you genius you!) ASSHOLE. Eventually "Rat" turned into "Rat Man", so for the purposes of this blog, he will be called by that hard-earned, proudly-worn moniker!

Of course when I say "asshole" I mean that as a term of endearment. Rat Man and I have been married for 21 years and we dated for 3 years before that. So I think it is pretty safe to say that we are pretty committed to each other. (Or maybe we should just BE committed for putting up with each other that long.)

He has a quick wit and an awesome sense of humor; not to mention that he works hard, can do just about anything he sets his mind to, does his best to understand me, and refers to himself as "Daddy" to the dog and cat. Who wouldn’t love him? He is forever making jokes, and no matter how bad of a mood I am in (which happens quite often) he can make me laugh.

He can take the most mundane of situations and turn them into something totally hilarious.
We were watching TV the other night and a commercial came on for one of those new pet paw grooming things. This one was the "PediPaws".

Rat Man: "I wonder if those things really work the way they claim."

Me: "I don’t know, but I do see tons of them selling on Ebay."

Rat Man: "I think I should invent my own version of it and get in on the action!"

Me: (Mumbling something like "That’s nice, dear.")

Rat Man: "Hey! We could call it "The PediFile!" Encouraged by my exasperated eye rolling, he went on, "We could get Michael Jackson as our spokesperson!"

I never said his humor wasn't sick.

Let the Insanity Begin!

I was on the phone the other day with my sister and she and I were musing aloud the necessity that those that blog seem to feel to share their views, ideas, thoughts and opinions with the world. Is that born of narcissism? Out of a need to be heard? What makes us do this?

I know that the answer for me is this: There are times when I look around and I see so much ignorance, so much waste, so much absolute total stupidity that I feel like screaming. I sometimes think if I don't scream I will explode. So for the sake of those that would have to clean up the mess, I'll try to do my screaming here instead.

I started a blog several months ago. My youngest daughter had just moved out, I was feeling the "empty nest" thing and I thought I should do something constructive. I got the blog all set up and suddenly realized that I didn't know what to say. I don't think it was that I didn't have something to say, I just didn't know where to begin. I would just sit and stare at my computer screen and think, "Well, I guess I really have no life anymore." Yeah, it was pathetic.

So what I have to say may not be popular, or enlightening, or even coherent most of the time, but who knows? I may just come up with something that people will want to read, and surprise myself!